


A Gentle Touch

by owleyes37



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Lance (Voltron), Cuban Lance (Voltron), Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, Fluff, Foster Care, Hurt/Comfort, Japanese Shiro (Voltron), Keith (Voltron) Needs a Hug, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Korean Keith (Voltron), Lance (Voltron) is so Pure, M/M, Monsters & Mana (Voltron), Pining Lance (Voltron), Slow Burn, Touch-Starved Keith (Voltron), emotionally repressed keith
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:40:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23779288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owleyes37/pseuds/owleyes37
Summary: “So, again, just to be super clear, this arrangement is going to be nothing sexual.”“Um, right. Of course.”“Great,” Lance said, setting up an alarm on his phone to mark it into his schedule. “I’ll see you later then.”Or, Keith finds an ad on the library’s message board for a cuddle partner. He initially ignores it, but over the course of several days, his eyes keep being drawn to the ad and the name alongside the contact number. And before he knew it, he had made plans to have Lance over as his own personal cuddle partner.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 35
Kudos: 243





	1. Meeting in the Stacks

**Author's Note:**

> This is an idea I've had for a while and I really wanted to share. Just so you guys know, I will be adding/editing the tags as I go and as soft as the fluff is, there will be scenes later on that depict extreme violence. I'll put warnings on those chapters for you, but please keep that in mind going forward.

“So, again, just to be super clear, this arrangement is going to be nothing sexual.”

Heat burned up to Keith’s ears as he glanced around the book stacks. The library had a quiet bustle of students going about their studies. Despite not trying at all to lower his voice for privacy’s sake, Lance’s declaration didn’t seem to turn any heads. He cleared his throat and averted his eyes to his hands, wringing them in his lap. Lance smiled coyly at Keith’s awkwardness.

“Um, right. Of course, I understand- that,” he glanced up and noticed Lance’s grin, sitting up straighter under his gaze.

“Good,” Lance pulled out his phone. “So the schedule we talked about still works for you, right? Are we moving forward with this?”

Keith hesitated a moment before having to concede with himself that this was something he really did need. He never imagined admitting that need to anyone, much less Lance. They didn’t exactly know each other well and were never really friends.

But they had been in school together since middle school, competing for academic excellence all the way into college. They’d lived their lives until now side by side, but never growing close. And maybe that was slightly helping the current situation. Some emotional distance gave Keith the illusion that despite the intimacy of this proposed arrangement, he could keep Lance at arm’s length, so to speak.

“Y-yeah. It still works for me,” he said looking away again.

“Great,” Lance said, setting up an alarm on his phone to mark it into his schedule. “I’ll see you later then,” he gave Keith one last reassuring smile before standing from the cushioned chairs they’d scoped out in a quiet corner of the library. “I’ve got class in a few so I gotta head out, but I’m lookin’ forward to it.”

Keith was watching him through the tops of his lashes, still reeling from the reality that this was happening; not only that he actually reached out to Lance for this, but that they were really going through with it.

“Yeah, see ya,” he replied quietly. His heart was still racing watching Lance retreat through the stacks, past the front desk, and down out of sight as he descended the stairs to the main floor. He didn’t really know what to do with himself now. This whole situation was so beyond what he thought he could handle, but Lance was really going out of his way to reassure him that they’d only try this out for a while and would stop the second Keith decided he couldn’t handle it.

He spent the rest of the day going about his normal activities, but his mind kept wandering. They were really doing this. He had really just made plans to have Lance over on a regular basis as his own personal cuddle partner. His thoughts and emotions were all over the place and all he could think about was that tonight would definitely be something different. Tonight really did have the potential to change things.


	2. A Foreign Feeling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith and Lance have their first cuddle session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is one of the first scenes that came to mind when the idea for this fic was forming. Get ready for some fluff and some feels. Also, this is also the first time I've ever used italics on AO3 so please feel free to point out any mistakes in spacing, format, spelling, and especially italic coding that is wrong. 
> 
> Everything in italics is referencing a conversation or event that happened previously. This is the format I plan to use for future story telling of past events so also let me know if that indication is at all confusing or if I can add anything to make it more clear. Enjoy!

Keith’s textbook lay open on his lap, and his thoughts wandered elsewhere. The past several hours had been spent trying to focus on his schoolwork. But as the sunlight from the window faded out, so too did any ability to keep the anticipation he’d fended off for a majority of the day from settling in.  


Lance would be here soon. He found himself constantly shifting on the couch, adjusting his hold on the textbook, and smoothing his bangs down. The nervous energy zipping in his veins strung him so tight that when a knock on the door finally announced Lance’s arrival, Keith leapt wildly from the couch to let him in.

Lance greeted him with his signature glowing smile that simultaneously set some of his nerves at ease and brought him back into the reality of what they were doing. This is going beyond any sort of interaction they’d ever had previously. He was a bit unsure of how to hold himself.

“Hey you,” Lance greeted.

“Hey, hi,” Keith hurriedly fixed his shirt, noticing that Lance had foregone his classic olive jacket and jeans in favor of sweats and a v-cut tee, toting a big green pillow under his arm. He bit his lip and darted his eyes away before Lance could notice his obvious elevator eyes.

“You… gonna invite me in? You’re still okay with this right,” Lance leaned in trying to catch his eyes.

“Yeah, sorry,” Keith stepped aside, nearly stumbling over his own feet in his hurry.

As Lance stepped over the threshold into Keith’s dorm, he let his drawstring bag fall from his shoulder.

“I brought these for you by the way,” he said handing Keith a pair of big fluffy socks. “You should also change into some sweats or pajamas or something. Whatever’s more comfortable. It’ll help you relax a bit.”

“Right, okay,” he hesitated a second, worrying about leaving Lance alone in the living room. At the smile and nod from Lance he darted down the hall to his room and changed quickly, his heart racing again. When he made it back to the living room, fluffy socks softening his footfalls, Lance was stretched out on the couch propped back lazily on the pillow and his long legs crossed at the ankle.

Keith stood awkwardly in the doorway until Lance invitingly patted the cushions next to him. He crossed the room and crawled into the spot beside him, not quite touching and Lance handed him the remote from the end table. They’d previously agreed that watching a movie would help break the ice and avert their attention away from the initial awkwardness.

Struggling to stay focused on the TV, Keith scrolled through the movie categories Netflix had to offer. Lance’s natural body heat was starting to seep into his awareness as Lance shifted deeper into the pillow. He scrolled quickly past the romantic comedies and serial killer documentaries, feeling like either of those categories would set the wrong tone. A favorite of his scrolled by and he rushed to backtrack and select it.

“Oh nice, The Iron Giant! That one’s a classic,” Lance chimed next to him. A part of him swelled in pride at his choice being approved, but most of his attention was focused on Lance and the many conversations they’d had leading up to this.

_“Would you be more comfortable with me initiating the contact or you,” Lance asked in a casual tone, like this was a completely ordinary conversation._

__

_“U-uuhhh, I don’t know.” It seemed like this should be so much easier. There couldn’t be this many factors that go into cuddling someone right? But thinking about it, he realized that this really did matter. He knew going into this that he was taking a risk here, allowing himself to be vulnerable in the presence of another. But more severely, if something happened and he had an extreme reaction, he couldn’t take it back. And while Lance was doing his all to make Keith feel at ease, he couldn’t be sure his classmate wouldn’t hold any negative reaction against him. Whatever happened, he had to be aware that he had an audience._

__

_“Me,” he said finally. Moving at his own pace was going to be really important here. It would all be for nothing if he didn’t take his time with this. It could end up doing more damage than good._

So, although neither of them made a move to acknowledge it, they both knew that Keith was going to be the one initiating first contact. By all appearances, Lance was engaged in the movie, smiling and laughing at all the appropriate moments. His body was relaxed, arms splayed on the back of the couch and served as an obvious contrast to how Keith felt.  


Keith was doing his best to give the illusion that he was equally tranquil, but the effort to appear relaxed actually had him more tense. The movie was probably at the halfway point when he finally pursed his lips in determination and forced himself to lean into Lance. The only acknowledgement of this action was one arm coming to rest lightly over his shoulder. But with it, the tension seemed to bleed out of him. Warmth washed over him with such suddenness that his previous nervous energy faded into a pleasant hum. It flooded his senses and left a movie embedded deeply with childhood nostalgia at the back of his mind.

By the end of the movie, they’d lounged back into the cushions. His head at some point ending up tucked under Lance’s chin, his body tucked snuggly into Lance’s side. They turned off the TV and they fell into a quiet that normally would eat at his mind, pulling dark thoughts from the depths he’d tried to bury them. But here, with arms pulled gently around him, the slow rise and fall of Lance’s chest and sound of a slow heartbeat in his ear, he felt unexpectedly calm.

“Is this still okay?”

Ba-dummmm…..ba-dummmm…..ba-dummmm 

There was another feeling there too. Not just calm. He wrinkled his brow, trying to think on what this feeling was.

Ba-dummmm…..ba-dummmm…..ba-dummmm

He felt Lance shift slightly, trying to look down at him and he tucked his face deeper into Lance’s chest to avoid the gaze.

‘Audience, audience, remember you have an audience,’ he though desperately.

“Keith?” Warm breath wisped over the tops of his hair. That feeling was growing, too big for his chest. He took a deep breath, trying to expand the space to accommodate this feeling, so foreign to him. And suddenly he knew what this was. He knew there was no stopping the overwhelming wave of it and it burst from him in an ugly sob.

It was torn hot and rough from his throat and tears rolled heavily down his cheek and over the bridge of his nose. He squeezed his eyes shut as though that could stop them, but the effort built itself up into another broken sob.

“Whoa, Keith,” Lance moved as though he was about to sit up and pull away. But Keith held tight to him, humiliated at the whimper that slipped out at the prospect of Lance pulling away from him. Lance settled back into the pillow, hesitating just a moment before pulling Keith tighter to his body and whispering quiet words of comfort into his hair.

Lance let him cry into his chest, keeping his voice calm and rocking them together just slightly. After some time, he took Keith’s hand and guided it to rest in the v of his t-shirt where the palm of his hand could touch the bare skin of his chest; where he could feel the pulse beneath his fingertips.

Ba-dummmm…..ba-dummmm…..ba-dummmm

“Shhhhhhh it’s okay Keith. You can cry. Everything’s gonna be okay…,” Lance whispered, keeping his hand over Keith’s as an added effort to make him feel grounded. It took a long time for Keith’s crying to slowly become quiet, but Lance could still feel the shuddering breaths he was taking.

Keith curled as deep into Lance’s embrace as he could, both grateful for Lance’s soft words and embarrassed at his own reaction, wanting to keep this feeling enveloping him while also hiding from his classmate’s gaze.

For the first time in years, here in Lance’s arms, Keith was feeling safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this chapter! Bye!


	3. When Did You Become My Constant?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lance wants to talk about what happened. Keith does not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry if Keith comes across as rude in this chapter. It’s just that Keith has always seemed like the type of person who would be really defensive and guarded, especially so with this fic. So hopefully it makes sense within the context of this story and sorry again if it’s off-putting.

Lance ended up staying an hour or two past the time frame they’d originally agreed upon. He didn’t make any mention of it, or comment at all on Keith’s outburst aside from the words of comfort, for which Keith was grateful.

That didn’t stop him from thinking about it long into the night. In the back of his mind he’d known something like this could, and likely would happen. He’d known that. But he was still embarrassed and ashamed.

The next day, he waiting for a text from Lance that this arrangement was done; that last night was too much and way out of left field. No text came, but when it finally came time for one of the classes he shared with Lance, he could feel the other boy’s eyes on him.

Keith sat ramrod straight throughout the lecture, his eyes never leaving the board as though some pride now could somehow salvage his dignity. At the end of class, Lance approached his desk faster than he could make his escape.

“Hey, we need to meet up and talk whenever you can,” Lance said. “The hour after Bio okay with you?”

Keith held his gaze, refusing to look away and admit defeat. “Yeah. Works for me.”

“Great. Same spot in the library?”

“Sure.”

“Cool beans, see ya,” Lance clapped his hands and bowed out of the conversation with his classic finger guns. Keith watched him go, only returning to packing his notebook and pen away after Lance had turned the corner and out of sight.

‘Of course,’ Keith thought. ‘Lance has more class than to break off something like this over text. He’ll want to do it in person.’

After Bio, Keith found extra reasons to approach the professor with questions and after the rather straightforward concepts were re-explained, he took up an unhurried pace to the library. Despite his best efforts to stall, he found himself back at the library, climbing the stairs to the second floor where he could see Lance off in their corner, waiting for him. He wasn’t sure when he started thinking of it as their corner. As he approached, Lance’s frown turned to a dramatic pout.

“Hey man, I thought you were standing me up! The heck took you so long,” he was sitting up straighter in the chair, long legs tucked under him and jacket draped over the back of the seat.

Rather than answering, Keith sank down into the chair by the window, scowling.

“What did you want to talk about,” he prompted, wanting to get this over with so he could stop thinking about it.

Lance’s theatrics seemed to calm, shifting in the seat until his feet came to rest on the floor, his elbows on his knees.

“It’s about last night,” he said, the serious tone sounding so out of place.

“What about it,” Keith asked challengingly. 

“Well…you know. You sort of-,”

“What about it?”

“Well, see, I think we should adjust the way we’re going about this. I have a few ideas that I honestly think will work a lot better now that we’ve had our first session and gotten a better feel for what you really need.”

Keith blinked dumbly for a few seconds.

“What?”

“Well now that I know how just being held affects you, I think it would do you some good to try something a little more intimate,” Lance went on, mistaking Keith’s question as an invitation to go on rather than the declaration of confusion it was.

Keith gulped and held his arms tighter around himself.

“I thought you said this wouldn’t be anything sexual.”

“It’s not! I promise,” Lance said, brandishing his hands in calming gesture, though his words were sincere. “It’s nothing like that, I swear.”

Lance gave him a calculating look for a second.

“Keith, are you okay with this still? I don’t want to do this if you’re not comfortable.”

Keith hurried to uncross his arms and arrange himself into what he hoped was a less defensive position.

“Yes, I’m- I-I want…,” blue eyes watched him closely and he couldn’t keep eye contact, dropping his gaze down to his lap. He took a breath. Admitting his feelings aloud was never something he could claim to be good at. He couldn’t understand how Lance, or anyone, could be so open with others.

“I know…that I probably freaked you out last night,” he didn’t dare to look and see how Lance was reacting. “I didn’t mean to…,”

“It’s okay. Like I said, it’s okay to cry,” Keith blushed at the words being repeated outside of the privacy of his dorm. “Cuddling is more intimate a form of contact than people give it credit for,” Lance went on. “That’s why I think it’s important. People need to have that kind of closeness sometimes.”

Lance leaned in closer and Keith bit his bottom lip between his teeth. “That’s why, if you want to, I’d like to continue our sessions.”

They were quiet for a while, Lance leaning back in his chair to give Keith some space to think.

Slowly Keith raised his eyes from his lap to look at Lance, who was smiling gently.

His voice was quiet, yet steady when he spoke. “I want to do this.”

“Alright,” Lance said, matching Keith’s soft tone. “We still have some time before my next class. So let’s talk about it.”

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Two days had passed since their talk in the library. Lance thought it would be good to give Keith time to mentally prepare for what they had planned for their next session. Despite this, there was on odd mix of anticipation and dread swirling in his gut.

But Lance had reassured again and again that they would never try something outside of Keith’s consent. And that alone helped to calm some of his nerves. He found it hard to give so much trust to this one person. But this one person had already seen him in such a vulnerable position and had not hoarded it over his head. At least for now, Keith was consciously deciding to trust Lance with himself; the side of himself that he kept hidden from the rest of the world.

So when it did come time for Lance’s next visit, Keith found himself nestled between Lance’s legs, draped over his chest with a calm, constant heartbeat in his ear. Lance had one hand holding him around the shoulders and the other carding slowly through his hair. As they lay together, their breathing had begun to synchronize until he felt like a bubble had formed around them and everything beyond it had melted away.

The fingers in his hair combed through the strands, scratching lightly on his scalp, and smoothing it down. The motion was intoxicating. He was subconsciously timing his blinks with the motion, slow and lazy; that same feeling of safety alight in him. The emotions hadn’t burst so violently from him this time the way they had the last. This time the tears slid silently over the bridge of his nose, soaking into Lance’s shirt. They didn’t go unnoticed, but they did go unmentioned.

“Why did you decide to call on my ad,” Lance asked after a long stretch of nothing but the sounds of their breathing. His voice vibrated against Keith’s cheek, pulling him back from the haze that had come over him.

He felt his face heat with a new wave of embarrassment.

“Well why did you place the ad?” He recognized the defensiveness in his own voice and winced at himself, but Lance didn’t seem to take offense.

“Like I said, sometimes people just need that closeness,” Lance said, his hand rubbing soothing circles into Keith’s shoulder. “When I was little and had nightmares all the time, my sister used to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. It was so comforting and grounding. I think as we grow older we start to take nonsexual contact for granted or forget about completely.” Lance’s hand stilled in his hair for a moment.

“I don’t get to see my family all that much anymore because of school,” he went on. “I miss them a lot. I guess I just thought that I could use this arrangement to feel close to someone. Besides, I think I need this just as much as you do.”

Keith bit his lip, trying to keep a cap on the unbidden rush of spite. Lance was allowed to miss his family. He was allowed to talk about missing his family. He knew nothing of what Keith was going through so he couldn’t know that the topic they’d stumbled upon was a sensitive one. The hand in his hair reminded him to breath and he forced himself to release the tension that had crept into his shoulders.

“I don’t- It’s...,” he trailed off with a frustrated huff. He thought about everything that led him here, in Lance’s arms of all places. How could he put any of that into words? How could he ever share any of it with someone- especially Lance? He’d made the decision to let Lance in just a little, but that was too much. Even if he could find the words, what would he even think? Would he look at him differently?

It had never occurred to him before now, but Lance was probably the most consistent thing in his life. Even having only been a classmate, Lance was always there. Through every foster home and every new family, through every change in environment and every person that came and went, his academic rival was always at his throat with some quip or challenge.

It had honestly been annoying for a while, but as time went by, he found he was spending more time at a single desk than he did in a single household. It made his school life a strange neutral space where the annoying boy claiming he’d outscore on the next exam became more of a comfort. With everything else that changed in his life, this at least would always stay the same.

He realized with a bit of horror that at some point he’d begun to care what this boy thinks of him. He couldn’t bring himself to open up wholly to him. Just the thought of doing so left him feeling exposed. 

He knew he and Lance weren’t close, but maybe they could be considered friends? He’d like to think Lance thought of him as a friend. He at least dared to think Lance liked him; saw him as an equal. He didn’t want to think of this person turning away from him or thinking less of him.

But he also didn’t want to be a jerk. It was a fair question. He couldn’t fault Lance for wanting to know why he reached out. So he gave the simplest answer he could think of- one that was honest, but didn’t cut too deep into the truth.

There was no hiding to weight of those words. Even this felt like cutting into skin and muscle, leaving him bleeding and bone exposed. Lance held him tighter, the hand in his hair continuing its slow motions.

“I couldn’t stand being alone anymore.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys liked this chapter. Till next time *finger guns*


	4. Razor’s Edge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pidge finds out about Lance’s cuddle ad and Keith reaches out to Lance outside of their set schedule.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not super confidant in my characterization of Pidge here, but this is how I see her reacting in this situation. Also this chapter is a little heavier in tone than I originally intended, but I’m not really mad about it so…yeah. Hope you guys like this chapter!

“You’ve got to be joking,” Pidge deadpanned.

Lance couldn’t help his horrified squeak as Pidge snatched up the cuddle ad she’d just noticed peeking out of a pocket of his folder.

The grin on her face grew sinister when she saw the tears in the page where the staples had ripped the paper. “Oh my god,” she easily avoided Lance’s wild grab for the ad. “This was up on a board! You didn’t!”

Lance floundered for words and Pidge let out a scandalized shriek. “You did! Holy shit!”

“Come on Pidge, give it,” Lance finally found his voice. He clambered across the stretch of his desk to snatch the ad away, his face burning. “I swear Pidge…,” he said, his voice taking on a warning tone. They were taking some time between classes to study and finish homework. And while Lance was trying to focus, Pidge was looking to have some fun at Lance’s expense.

“So are you spooning one person or whoring around?”

“That’s not funny.”

“Please,” she said resting her chin on her laced finger tips. “This is the funniest thing to happen all week.”

Lance pouted, folding the ad to hide the text and tucking it back into his folder. He picked up his pencil and tried valiantly to turn his attention back to his assignment. But he could feel the weight of an evil gaze on him, getting heavier the longer he tried to tune it out. The silence stretched on. He bit his lip, the heat in his face creeping into his ears and down his neck. He dared to take a peek. Pidge was still grinning, an eyebrow arched high.

“Ahhhhh, fine,” he finally cracked under the pressure. “Have at it already!”

“Oh thank fuck, I have so many questions,” Pidge burst. “How many people called for that ad? How many did you say yes to? Guys? Girls? Both? Is it actually an ad for sexy times or are you seriously a volunteer teddy bear?”

Pidge continued rattling off questions relentlessly. Lance massaged his temples, a familiar ache setting in. It’s not like he was hiding what he was doing, but he was not thrilled that Pidge was having so much fun with this.

“Okay, okay, if I answer your questions will you drop this?”

“Yes.”

Lance raised a brow in doubt.

“I swear.”

He let out a deep, put upon sigh. “Alright, six people called. But five of them thought it was for ‘sexy times’. Which it’s not,” he emphasized. “So I said no.”

“And the sixth,” Pidge prompted because it was clear Lance was hesitating.

“The sixth…is, a guy. You don’t need to know who’s the big spoon and who’s the little spoon. No, I’m don’t think it’s weird, and go ahead and tell Matt and Hunk. I’ve got nothing to hide.”

At each answer she gave a nod and when he was done he made a gesture that said ‘You happy now?’ She raised her hands as though in surrender. He glared for an extra few seconds, then picked up his pencil again. He tensed in the following quiet, waiting.

“Do I know him?”

He dropped his head onto his assignment with a groan.

“Oh come on. I wanna know! Do you know how boring my day has been? I need drama!”

A little chime interrupted her exclamation and Lance grabbed his phone, peeking over his arm to unlock it and pull up his messages. He smiled when he saw who it was.

“Oh no. You have that look.”

He hurried to put on a neutral face, setting his phone aside, and straightening up. He hoped she wouldn’t connect the dots and again he tried to focus on his assignment. It was due in a few hours and he was almost done, but the last few problems were requiring a lot more effort. His head was pulsing now. His eyes were averted down so he didn’t see the moment Pidge pieced it together.

“Whoa. Lance,” she said, suddenly serious. “It’s Keith?”

He bit his lip hard and lowered his chin to his chest, avoiding her wide eyes.

“You…can’t be serious,” she repeated her earlier words, but tone was very different. “This can’t be a good idea. This can’t be good for you!”

“You said you’d drop it Pidge.”

“No,” she laid her hands flat against the desk. “I can’t let you do this to yourself.”

“He needs me. He needs someone to be there for him.”

“Don’t act like you don’t understand why this is a bad idea. You’re getting yourself into a situation way over your head. You’re only going to get hurt.”

“Would you just drop it? I need to finish this,” he said, his headache making him snappy.

Pidge was quiet for a second, watching him.

“How long have you been doing this?”

“A few times,” he answered, knowing better than to drag this out. “And see: I’m fine.”

She looked over the tops of her glasses at him. “Does he know you like him? Have you told him?”

“No,” he said finally looking her in the eye. “I haven’t.”

For a full minute they glared at one another silently, Lance challenging her to say something else and Pidge searching his eyes for an explanation.

“Fine,” she finally conceded. “I’ll drop it. But I am telling Hunk about this so when it blows up in your face, he’s ready for us to the ones to pick up the pieces.”

“Why are you so sure it will blow up in my face,” he demanded.

“Because you’re getting too close and if he doesn’t feel the same way, you’re gonna suffer for it,” she said. “You’re just setting yourself up for failure.”

“And why is it so hard to think he could like me too,” he couldn’t quite mask the hurt at her doubt.

“That’s not what I’m saying,” the tone of her voice softened. “You’re my friend Lance. I just don’t want to see you hurt.”

“Maybe have a little more faith in me then,” he muttered. The fight left him and he sagged back into his seat.

She was quiet for moment, calculating her words before quietly asking, “Are you going to tell him?”

Lance glanced back at his phone as another chime came through; another text from Keith. Pidge was watching him closely, a sympathy in her eyes that he was really starting to resent. But he didn’t know how to answer her. So he just met her gaze, asking silently for her to drop the subject.

She nodded and bit her lip. “Just…try to be careful with this. And, Hunk and I, we’re always here for you. Okay?”

“Yeah. Okay.”

They returned to their work quietly, both thinking over their exchange. Lance’s headache was now in a full rage and he knew this assignment would not be getting full marks. 

When Pidge starting packing her laptop away, he watched her, feeling anxious.

He didn’t want her to leave with this bad taste in their mouths, but he didn’t know what to say. He knew she was coming from a place of concern and her directness could be harsh sometimes, but she was his friend. He knew she didn’t mean to make any negative implications on him; he tried not to take it personally. When she finished packing her things, she paused, looking unsure of herself.

“Well, I’ve got lab,” she said, adjusting her glasses on her nose.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll see ya.”

“So…study session same time tomorrow,” she asked tentatively.

“Yeah,” he smiled.

“Cool,” the tension in her shoulders relaxed with a sigh. “I’ll see ya tomorrow then.”

He waved her off, feeling a little better about leaving the conversation on that note, taking a big breath to relax. The pounding in his head was still persistent. He was thinking of stopping by the student store on campus to grab some ibuprofen before his class later. The little notifications light was flashing on his phone, reminding him of Keith’s unanswered texts and he jerked in his seat to grab his phone and open his messages.

Keith: Hey. Are you free tonight?

Keith: I know we don’t have a session scheduled, but could you come over?

Keith: Or if you’re busy it’s okay.

This last text came as he read the first two. A warm feeling sparked in his chest. He could just imagine Keith fretting over the Lance’s lagged response time and hurried to type out a reply.

Lance: Yeah I’m free. I have one more class today and then I’ll meet you at your dorm?

The response came almost immediately. 

Keith: Yeah sure! See you tonight

Lance smiled as typed a quick reply, then locked his phone, and turned back to his doomed assignment. If he wanted to have time to get something for his headache then he really needed to buckle down and finish it. He rubbed his temples one more time and powered through.

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“Hey,” Keith greeted Lance with his usual quiet awkwardness. Lance echoed him and made his way into the dorm, pausing in the entryway when he noticed the whole place smelled heavily of smoky meat.

“Something smells good,” Lance noted.

“I-I wasn’t sure if you’d eaten yet,” Keith said, hurrying into the kitchen and pulling out some paper plates. “I made us some Yakitori.”

At Lance’s look of confusion he added, “It’s basically chicken kabobs, dipped in sweet tare sauce. Shiro used to cook it over charcoal, but I don’t have a balcony…or a charcoal grill, so I kind of improvised.”

Lance took a seat at the little dining set and Keith eagerly moved the rack of Yakitori to the table, trying to watch Lance from the corner of his eye.

“Wow thanks! I don’t know if I’ve ever had Korean food,” he said, grabbing a couple kabobs. The chicken had a glaze of sauce and salt sprinkling and the green bell peppers and onion adding another layer of scent.

“It’s Japanese actually,” Keith said, loading his own plate.

It suddenly became apparent to Lance how domestic this was. Keith had cooked him dinner, they were eating together, alone, with the sun casting bright colors through the window as it set over the dorm buildings across the courtyard. That warm feeling was back and humming in his chest.

He hurried to take a bite before the feeling bubbled out of him and did or said something embarrassing. Keith was also taking a bite and they both froze mid-chew. Lance’s senses were overwhelmed with the bite of salt and sweetened soy. It was…a bit much. He tried to discreetly glace over to Keith and nearly choked at the look of horror on his face.

“Oh my god no,” Keith said around his food, trying to chew the meat. It was quite a task, Lance knew, since it was pretty tough and dry under all that sauce. When he finally swallowed it down, he looked over at Lance and his plate with a frantic demeanor. “That is not right. I’m so sorry. Shiro was always the one to cook it. I-I just wanted to cook something good for- I’m sorry. I-I’m not really much of a cook. And it’s supposed to be grilled. I needed a grill.”

“Whoa Keith! It’s okay. Really,” Lance tried to reassure him.

“I had just finished cooking them before you got here. I didn’t have time to try it first or I wouldn’t-,”

“Keith, I swear. Its fine,” he found Keith’s distress a bit endearing.

“But that’s not how it’s supposed…it’s supposed to be tender and smoky and this is…it’s not right,” Keith said, his eyes starting to well with tears. It caught Lance off guard. This went beyond the Yakitori not being good. He searched frantically for an explanation. It was then that something Keith said finally struck him.

There wasn’t a whole lot that Lance knew about Keith’s home life. He knew he was a foster kid, that he had met Shiro through the foster system, and that they’d grown close. It was only now, that he realized Keith had been referring to Shiro in the past tense.

“Keith,” he started tentatively. Keith’s head jerked, but his eyes never left the Yakitori. “What-what happened to Shiro?” 

“Shiro is gone,” Keith said, his voice rough in his throat. 

“I-I’m so sorry Keith. I didn’t know,” he said, standing to make his way around the table carefully. Keith’s whole body shuddered when Lance finally reached him, pulling him into a loose hug, almost afraid he’d shatter if he held him too tight. He felt like over the course of last few weeks he’d gotten to know Keith more than he had in the years since they first met. And in that time, it was the most emotional he’d ever seen him. It was jarring, but he wanted to be the person Keith could let down those walls to. Maybe that was selfish, but Keith needed someone. So be it if it had to be him, but…

“What- when did…,” he trailed off, not sure if he should ask and get Keith to open up or drop it and focus on comforting him. He was clearly losing out to his bottled emotions. 

“He’s been missing,” Keith’s voice was quiet in his ear. “For two years now, as of today.” 

“But I thought- his mission,” Lance trailed off. He hadn’t heard anything of this. 

“The Garrison has kept it quiet. They don’t want anyone knowing that they could make such a mistake as to lose a crew in space.”

“What,” Lance held Keith at arm’s length for a moment, trying to look Keith in the eyes, but he was blinking away tears, his bangs falling over his eyes. The last he’d heard, Shiro and his crew were embarking on a mission to explore deep space to expand Earth’s knowledge of the known universe. They’d set out and, as far as he knew, they were still on that mission. But that would mean the Garrison has been lying to the public, keeping the appearance that the mission is still in progress, while holding the lives of the crew over their family’s heads to keep the secret.

“They can’t do that! They can’t cover that up. You have to tell someone! You have to tell everyone!”

“No,” suddenly it was Keith holding Lance by the shoulders rather than the reverse. “They’ve promised me they’ll keep looking; that they’ll keep me informed of their search, but only I keep quiet!”

“They could be lying!”

“I KNOW,” Keith yelled and it shocked Lance so much he stumbled a step away. Keith was breathing hard, his hands in fists. “I know,” he said, his voice defeated now. “But I don’t have anything else. It’s not like I can go up there myself. What else am I supposed to do?”

It was then that everything clicked into place. This was the reason Keith wanted to meet up today and why it was so upsetting that the food didn’t come out the way Keith had hoped. The anniversary of Shiro’s disappearance was bringing up all these pent-up emotions.

“I’m sorry,” he was startled out of his stunned state by these quiet words from Keith. “I didn’t mean to say all of that.”

“Keith…,”

“Just, forget I said anything. Please. You can’t tell anyone about this.” There was a note of desperation in his voice. “If word of this gets out, the Garrison will cut me off. I won’t ever get to know if he’s still out there. Please.”

“I promise,” Lance took Keith’s hands in his own to emphasize his point. “I promise, I won’t tell anyone, okay? I swear, this stays between us.”

Keith nodded shakily and sniffed, tears still tracking down his face. Lance’s fingers were itching to wipe those tears away, but he felt that would be overstepping. Instead he guided Keith back to his seat at the table and then moved his own chair around the table to be closer.

“Come on, we need to have our dinner,” he said, trying to draw him away from the heaviness that had settled over them.

“N-no,” Keith said, grabbing both his own and Lance’s plates of rapidly cooling food. “This isn’t what Yakitori is supposed to be. You don’t have to eat this.”

Lance pursed his lips, trying to think of how to make this situation better.

“Okay…how about we order some pizza then?”

“Yeah, okay.”

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By the time the pizza came, they’d had their fill, and had settled onto the couch together it was dark and the crickets outside were chirping. The weight of emotions hanging over his head all day had Keith tiring out quickly. Not even ten minutes into their cuddling, Keith’s breathing had evened out, his limps draped heavily over Lance.

Lance was lazily combing his fingers through Keith’s hair again. He couldn’t understand how Keith was handling all this by himself. The only person Lance knew of that Keith was close to was gone. He didn’t even know if he was still alive. It was no wonder he always seemed to be on edge and defensive in the public eye and emotional every time Lance showed him any sort of affection. 

‘But that’s not what this is,’ he chided himself. Affection implied a level of relationship that he didn’t have with Keith. This arrangement was to provide them both a closeness they were lacking elsewhere, but that wasn’t the same.

He was doing his best not to think of the conversation he’d had with Pidge earlier. He tried not to think about holding Keith as more than a friend or classmate. He let out a deep sigh, letting the strands of Keith’s hair fall away and adjusting his position to curl Keith’s sleeping form into him.

He wasn’t sure when exactly it was he had started seeing Keith as more than just his rival. He had always admired him for his determination and fire. He was smart and socially awkward which was charming and Lance used their rivalry as a shoe-in to further his interactions with his crush. 

Lance had a reputation as a Top Tier Flirt in their high school. That hard earned reputation went right down the drain when he pulled all his best moves on Keith and Keith in his complete obliviousness never picked up on them.

There was one incident in particular that Lance finally took as his cue to stop his advances. He’d been feeling bold that day, laying an arm over Keith’s shoulder, leaning in close, and laying some line he’d rehearsed in his head for weeks.

Keith had jerked away from him instantly and before he could react, he found himself sprawled on the ground, his jaw pulsing from Keith’s punch. He’d watched dejectedly as Keith stormed away and neither of them made any mention of the incident when they saw each other the next day, or any day after.

It took weeks for Lance to be brave enough to talk to Keith again, and just as long for their relationship to return to what it had previously been. Lance put a cap on his feelings for the sake of salvaging whatever relationship he could have with Keith and it went on that way right up until he got a call for his ad from the last person he was expecting.

But it had been Keith who reached out to him. And maybe Lance was desperate for any sort of change in their dynamic that allowed him and Keith to become closer. He had said yes to Keith with the stipulation that they would only ever do anything if Keith was okay with it. He was so afraid to do anything that would drive Keith away again.

So he made sure to take every step with Keith carefully. He made sure to keep his feelings in check so he never took things too far. And although he savored being able to see a new side to him, being able to hold him, he never allowed himself to think the way he was thinking right now.

What if things were different? What if they were really together and holding Keith in his arms held more meaning than what did now? What if he could hold him closer? What it could be more intimate? What if he could speak freely about the way he felt? What if Keith felt the same? What if they could kiss? Be a couple?

Lance clenched his eyes shut. Trying to block those thoughts out. He didn’t want Pidge to be right. Not about this. He could do this. He could be there for Keith without letting his feelings get in the way. That headache from earlier was starting to creep back in. And he was so tired. He let his fingers find their way back to Keith’s hair and combed it tiredly until he drifted off. It had been a hard day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For clarification, in this fic Shiro still gets lost in space (although not abducted). But rather than blaming it on pilot error, the Garrison has kept the appearance that the mission is still in progress. Also Matt and Sam were not part of that crew because 
> 
> I’m hoping to have Matt come into the story at some point.  
> Anyway, thanks for reading! Hope you’re enjoying the story so far. Feel free to leave comments if you like. They’re always appreciated and I love hearing feedback :)


	5. Normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waking up with Keith in his arms doesn’t quite go as Lance expects.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING TO THE READER!!!!!!PLEASE READ!!!!!! 
> 
> First off, I want to apologize. I took a lot longer to update this chapter than I meant to and part of that is because I realized belatedly that the Rape/noncon tag didn’t post for this fic. I’m not sure why, but I’m so sorry if that’s a tag you usually avoid and came here unprepared.
> 
> For this reason, I’ve been debating whether to even continue this fic. I don’t want anyone to feel cheated or tricked. But I do want to tell this story. So I will continue it. If you choose not to continue reading, I understand and again, I’m so sorry. If you do decide to continue, please be aware that I have updated the tags and will put warnings at the beginning of every chapter starting now and going forward.
> 
> Second, I want to remind everyone of the warning I gave in the beginning. This fic will have lots of fluff, but will also be potentially triggering. Please read with caution!
> 
> Warnings for this chapter: Implied past rape/noncon, self harm (not cutting)

Everything was sort of starting to seep into his consciousness slow and lazy. Lance was in no rush to leave this place of comfort and warmth; a long, deep breath turning to a content sigh. He shifted tiredly closer to the body beside him, their legs tangled and breath shared between them. When he did finally blink his eyes open, it was to bright shafts of morning light illuminating dancing dust particles and the sleep softened face of Keith only inches away.

Keith’s lashes lay stark against his cheeks and hair tangled from sleep, falling away from his face. The sluggish fog in his head let him indulge in this moment, taking in the slightly parted lips that looked so soft, the slow breaths he was taking tickling against Lance’s neck, the smooth forehead he never usually got see. He leaned in the short distance, pressing lips to that heated skin. It was a sweet kiss, light and tender, lazy from the lingering haze of sleep.

His cheeks flushed when he realized what he was doing. Jerking back and now really awake, he peeked down to check that those eyes were still closed. Keith’s breathing had hitched, his legs shifting just slightly. But he settled back into Lance’s embrace, breathing returning to the quiet slowness of sleep. A bright happiness bloomed in Lance’s chest when he saw a little smile pulling at Keith’s lips.

He let himself sink back into the contented haze he’d been in upon waking. This was a scene straight out of his long repressed fantasies. Settling back into the cushions, he dared to cherish this moment, and allow himself to live in the fantasy just this once.

That content little bubble was broken little by little with the slow progression of bird song, and the steps and voices of other dorm residents waking up and going about their morning. As the world came awake around them, Keith began to stir, first snuggling into Lance’s rumpled shirt then eyes fluttering open. Lance could feel the exact moment Keith became fully aware, his body going tense for a moment.

And given the peaceful start to the morning, Lance was caught very off guard when Keith jolted away from him so violently that Lance choked on a punch to the throat, the momentum pushing Keith off of the couch into a heap on the floor. Coughing and wheezing, tears streaming down his face, Lance leaned over to see Keith struggling to coordinate his limbs.

“I’m sorry,” Keith said, finally making it to his feet and raking his fingers frantically through his own tangled hair.

“Morning,” Lance managed, his voice barely a rasp.

“Are you okay?”

Lance nodded when his attempt to answer dissolved into a coughing fit. Keith grimaced, scratching anxiously at his arms.

“Sorry,” he said again.

Still unable to piece together sounds resembling words, Lance waved his hand in reassurance. There was an awkward moment of relative silence while Lance worked to get his voice back. When he felt able to he asked, “What time is it?” It was a rhetorical question, meant to break up sudden tension, but the only answer he got was Keith suddenly leaving the room with the quick explanation that he needed to shower. Lance was again a bit shocked by this turn of events.

One last time he cleared his throat, and turned away from the doorway. Down the hall he could hear the water running and was suddenly struck with the image of a naked Keith. Quickly he pulled out his phone to distract himself.

“Oh crap,” he muttered to himself when he saw the time. He hadn’t realized he’d let so much of the morning go by and they had class soon. He wouldn’t have time to run home and change either. 

‘At least I have my school bag already,’ he thought while tucking his phone away and smoothing the wrinkles from his shirt. Sleeping in his clothes had not been the plan- spending the night had not been the plan. But they had both fallen asleep. And now if they didn’t hurry they’d be late for lecture. Lance made his way down the hall, stopping outside the bathroom door. He ran a hand through his hair to make himself somewhat more presentable.

“Hey Keith,” he called through the door. “We gotta get goin if we’re gonna make it to class on time.”

No reply came. From here he could see the time display on the microwave, where the hall opened up into the dorm’s kitchenette. A little spike of urgency spurred him to knock.

“Keith, buddy.”

Still no reply. Just the sound of the shower running.

Lance bit his lip, bouncing on the balls of his feet, unsure of what to do. He didn’t want to leave Keith here. Ideally, they could walk to class together. Holding hands, his mind supplied.

“Shut up Lance,” he said aloud to himself, then louder through the door, “We’re gonna be late if we don’t leave soon.” After another pause with no reply he added, “You feeling okay?”

Finally there came the sound of the water shutting off. Giving up on receiving a reply, Lance went back to the living room to check that he had all his things. He really didn’t want to get caught lurking outside the door.

The bathroom door opened a little while later, and Lance caught a glimpse of a towel wrapped Keith ducking out of a plume of steam, down the hall, and to the bedroom. Then again the sound of a door closing filled the dorm. Lance glanced back at the time. They were definitely going to be late, even if they sprinted across campus. But it wouldn’t be too bad if they left now. Professor Coran was a cool guy and while he valued punctuality, he also understood that things happen that his students couldn’t always help. But they really needed to go.

He was just about to try knocking on the bedroom door when suddenly Keith reemerged dressed and hurrying for the door.

“Let’s go,” he said, rushing past Lance without making eye contact. Or was he avoiding eye contact? They were in a hurry he supposed, but Lance still felt a bit shut out. But now wasn’t the time to think on it. He grabbed his things and ran to catch up with Keith.

They arrived out of breath in the middle of an explanation Coran was giving. Upon entering the room, they both took their seats, trying to quiet their labored breaths so as to minimize the disruption they’d already caused. Coran gave them a stern look, but his speech didn’t falter.

Still panting quietly, Lance started pulling his notebook out of his bag. Across the room Pidge was giving him a look and he was trying valiantly to ignore it. After his heart rate began to settle, he found his thoughts too scattered to focus on the lecture. Between the long ramblings of their professor and the inability of Lance’s mind to settle after such a turbulent beginning to the day, Lance found himself thinking of other things.

Keith’s behavior this morning was odd right? Or was he just being to overcritical? Had he overstayed his welcome and made Keith uncomfortable or was Keith just being Keith? Having known him for so long, Lance had learned that Keith didn’t conform to social decorum. Maybe things this morning had felt off because Lance was looking for social signals that Keith wouldn’t know to give out. He pouted into his notebook, realizing he had at some point stopped taking notes and started doodling in the margins. 

Shaking his head, he tried again to focus on the board, but it seemed Professor Coran had talked himself off on a tangent and this was about the time Lance would be tuning out anyway. Unwittingly, Lance’s attention wandered over to where Keith slumped in his seat. His hood was pulled over his still wet hair and it was clear he was just as distracted as Lance was. 

Although, Keith seemed to have found something very interesting in the grain of his desk. Having never pulled out any notes, he was staring down at the desk with a frown, pulling at the sleeve of his hoodie. And as Lance watched, he slowly sank until his chin came to rest on his folded arms, the hood falling over his face. Only his pouted lips were now visible.

Lance stared at those lips. He memorized the shape of them, their gentle curve, the soft pink color. It was because he was watching those lips that he saw a line of moisture travel down from the curve of a hidden face and dip into the line of his mouth, only to be licked away. 

Was Keith crying? Alarms were sounding in Lance’s head. He tried to get a better look, but Keith reached up and pulled his hood a bit lower, effectively hiding himself from view.  
And that’s how he stayed for the rest of lecture.

After two hours of lecture Lance was definitely not listening to, class finally came to a close. As Professor Coran called out a reminder of homework, Keith practically darted out the door giving Lance hardly a chance to catch up. But just as he cleared the door and his eyes searched the hall for him, a hand hooked his elbow and he found himself facing the concerned faces of his friends.

“Guys, I can’t really talk right now,” he said, trying to duck around Hunk. But Pidge held a hand to his chest, and his steps stuttered.

“Uh, uh, uh,” she said. “Hang on Lover Boy.”

“Can this wait? Seriously guys, right now’s not a good time.”

“No, it can’t. Remember that little conversation about you getting in over your head?”

He groaned. “Come on, please not with that again.”

“And I seem to recall you mentioning that this whole cuddling thing of yours was not code for sex.”

“It’s not,” he said, glancing around to see if anyone was listening.

“And yet, you two clearly ‘slept together’, she said, putting a little more emphasis than necessary on the last bit.

“We did not sleep together,” he insisted. Well, not in the way she was implying.

Her eyes dropped to scan his rumpled clothes- his clothes from yesterday- and back with a deadpan expression. “Right. And I’m sure you were late for a totally different reason than Keith.” Hunk blushed and hummed quietly.

Lance frowned, lacking the energy to refute those false implications. The truth was that this concern of theirs was the last thing he wanted to address. But seeing Hunk shifting from foot to foot and Pidge biting her lip like she was biting back her words had him giving up his pursuit for the moment. Knowing Keith would be long gone by now, he decided to assure his friends so they could stop worrying about him.

“Fine, but can we at least not have this conversation in the middle of the hallway?”

They at least agreed to that and put a pause on the discussion- or any talk at all it seemed. The walk to the campus café is a bit awkward, all of them chewing on their own thoughts. When they found a table tucked in a sunny corner and away from prying ears, they each started in their food, looking to see who would be the one to break the silence. Finally Lance cracked and put his sandwich down.

“So…,” he wasn’t sure what to say, but Hunk supplied the concern he’d had since first hearing about the whole cuddle ad situation.

“Look, Lance, we just- we really miss you, and…,”

“We’re worried about you,” Pidge finished. “You’re distracted in class, you hardly ever come to hang out with us anymore. And you’re obviously way more invested in this little arrangement than you implied before,” she said, “And look, I’m not going to try and police your sex life- you do what and whoever you want- but I also know you. You are not one for casual sex. And as your friend, I think you deserve better than to pretend otherwise. And Keith deserves to know how you feel.”

“But…,” he hesitated, thinking about that day, back when he’d made his move and received a punch to the face for it. He was so afraid of scaring Keith way again. And not just for himself. How long had Keith been alone? Spending his days surrounded by familiar faces, all of whom were effectively strangers? Coming home to a lonely dorm? No one to tell how his day went? No one to share all the little things with?

Having grown up in a big family and some pretty close friends, it sounded like a living nightmare. Lance had always had someone to talk to. There was always a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, a chorus of loved ones supporting him and showering him in the love and attention he needed. He didn’t want to leave Keith to a life of social isolation.

“I know that day shook you,” Hunk said quietly, somehow knowing exactly what scared Lance so much about bringing his feelings to Keith’s attention. “But you should at least give him another chance.”

When he didn’t answer immediately, Pidge stepped in again, saving him from lingering on that thought too long. “And, if you’re afraid Keith doesn’t have anyone, rather than cutting yourself off from everyone to be there for him, why don’t you invite him to spend some time with the rest of us? We can look out for him too.”

“Yeah,” Hunk chimed in. “We could play video games or Monsters and Mana. If it’s a friend he needs…,”

Lance actually found himself smiling at that. It made so much sense. He couldn’t believe he hadn’t thought of it himself. His reaction seemed to ease the tension at the table and the rest of their break was as easygoing as any other time they got the chance to hang out between classes.

When Lance left to walk to his next lecture, he pulled out his phone, rehearsing in his head what he would say to invite Keith to an m&m session when he saw the text. Immediately any ease of mind he’s gotten from spending time with his friends was dashed when he read it.

Keith: Don’t worry about coming over today. Something came up.

He shouldn’t have let Keith get away earlier. Something was definitely wrong. He typed out several replies, deleting each one before finishing the thought, and stared at the screen, his thumb twitching anxiously. Finally he sighed and slowing typed, ‘okay’, hesitating before sending it; wanting to say something else- something more, but not finding the words.

He sent it. As he continuing his walk across campus, he wondered where Keith had run off to. He imagined the look on Keith’s face at seeing the short reply. He knew it was the wrong thing to say. What was he going to do?

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Curls of steam cast the bathroom into a hot, hazy blur around him. Not that Keith could see all that clearly anyway. His eyes were red and swollen, his skin raw from the heat of the water and the lines of scratches he’d given himself. But no amount of hot water and itching was making this feeling go away. He had exhausted himself a long while ago trying. By now he was sitting on the floor of the shower, the water starting to run cold, as he watched droplets fall from his wet bangs onto his folded limbs.

He hadn’t meant to lash out like that. Again, he reminded himself. This was not the first time he’d hit Lance. He curled further into himself at that thought. He’d hit Lance. Was it even any consolation that he hadn’t made him bleed this time? No. Not really. That it had been unintentional, just as before had been? Nope. Because either way, he had hit Lance- pushed him away before he even realized what was happening. He had woken with a body beside him, pressed into his side and he’d panicked.

Even though Lance hadn’t made a big deal out of it, it was a big deal. Because it’s what he did with everyone. He pushed them away when they tried to get close. He kept people at a distance because it was so much easier than having to deal with letting them in. And the same went for any sort of attempt at intimacy.

He’d tried before. A few times actually. To allow that sort of closeness with someone. But it all felt so forced and always came to a screeching halt when that first touch came and he felt those hands on him. Holding him. Stop. He had to stop that train of thought. He scratched at his arms.

He just thought that maybe things could be different with Lance. Lance who was gentle, and patient, and understanding even when he didn’t know the whole story. And Keith didn’t want to tell it. He wanted to forget it. Dig it out of his skin and bury it away.

After running off to the shower this morning, Keith had almost hoped Lance would just leave; let him hide under the hot water and wait for it to be okay. But Lance had called for him. He had heard him through the door, waiting for him to come out. He wasn’t leaving.

After a few moments to get his breathing under control, he decided. Maybe this could work. Lance had always been part of his coping mechanism before; a sense of normalcy. A tiny part of him screamed that pretending hadn’t actually helped anything before and it wouldn’t now. He ignored it.

He forced himself out of the bathroom, dressed, and headed out to face Lance. Only he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eyes. So he walked past with barely any words and they’d gone to class.

It hadn’t helped. Just as he knew it wouldn’t. Keith had slumped in his seat, feeling hopeless, his hair still damp and humid against his neck. The lecture went on around him and he felt himself slipping away from it. The distance grew and he was sinking until his chin came to rest on his folded hands.

Normal. He could never just be normal. He pulled at the sleeve of his hoodie. The last sliver of himself still present enough to worry about what was going on around him adjusted his hood lower when the tears started. No one needed to see that.

When lecture was over, he leapt at the opportunity to make his escape and numbly found himself back in his shower. Back where his own thoughts tormented him until the water running cold reminded him that he couldn’t stay here forever.

When he finally coaxed himself out and toweled himself dry, he put the day into perspective. He’d essentially missed class this morning, since he hadn’t listened to a word of the lecture and his classes for the rest of the day looked to be just as doomed. He knew he wouldn’t be able to face anyone right now. And what about Lance? They had another session scheduled for tonight.

No. He couldn’t do it. He didn’t want to stop their sessions altogether. Part of him cried out desperately for that not to happen. As much as his nerves sang with anxiety in anticipation of his arrival, Lance’s company eased an ache in him he couldn’t put a name to. And the thought of losing that company made that ache all the more prominent. So no, he didn’t want to end the arrangement they had.

But he needed some time to pull himself together. After this morning he felt embarrassed, humiliated, and ridiculous to be honest. He felt like his every action was an overreaction and totally out of his control. How could he justify what happened to Lance without having to explain why he’d done it?

A prick of pain alerted him that he was scratching his arm again. He grimaced as the reddened skin began to seep tiny droplets of blood. He smeared them away, then pulled on some clothes to hide away the evidence. And once that was finished he pulled out his phone.

‘Don’t worry about coming over today. Something came up.’ He typed out the message and sent it before he could change his mind. It seemed ages before he got a reply. In that time he drove himself half mad worrying about what Lance would say; demand an explanation he couldn’t give, express worry he didn’t know how to handle. His phone buzzed.

Lance: Okay

Keith stared at that one little word trying to figure out why that was somehow worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> m&m stands for Monster and Mana, incase that wasn’t clear. Again, I’m sorry if the changes in tags causes anyone stress or harm. I promise to be more attentive to the accuracy of the tags/warnings from this point on.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this is a really short chapter, but it felt like the right length for the start of this fic. Hope you guys don't mind :)


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